The Iliad by Homer – Book 5

The Iliad by Homer – Book 5

 

  • Minerva gave a super boost to Diomed. She gave him a fire flare in his shield and a blinding light in his helmet, as well as amazing speed.
    • 2 of Vulcan’s sons charged past him in a chariot and missed him
    • Diomed shot lightning – killed on and the other ran to the hills. Diomed took the chariot and brought it to the Greek ships. The dead men scare the Trojans.
  • Minerva and Mars left the fighting to the mortals.
    • This allowed the Greeks to slay a large number of Trojan lieutenants
      • They actively avoided Diomed.
    • Pandarus was able to hit Diomed in the shoulder with an arrow – He went to see the doctor, Machaon. This put him out of action for a bit. While he was on sidelines, Minerva told him not to fight any gods except Venus.
      • He was patched up and went back out to kill many more including some of Priam’s sons
    • Aeneas and Pandarus climbed on their chariot to hunt him down and kill him
      • Sthlenelus warned him and told him to retreat.
        • He said – No way. I’m on a roll. Plus, Minerva said anyone was fair game, even Venus.
      • Aeneas and Pandarus found him – Pandarus shot at him and missed.
      • Diomed launched his spear through Pandarus’s nose through to the back of his head
    • Aeneas jumped out of the chariot to attack Diomed
      • Diomed picked up a boulder and threw it at Aeneas’s balls. It smashed his pelvis, muscles, sinew and balls.
      • Venus, Aeneas’s mother, grabbed him to pull him off the battlefield.
      • Diomed aimed at her and threw a spear through her wrist. Out came “ichor” (god blood) and she screamed in pain.
      • Diomed said – silly girl, these battles are for mortals
      • Mars gave Venus a lift up to Olympus where Dione, her mother, and she discussed what happened
      • Dione – You’ll just have to deal with it. Gods are violent and vindictive too. When gods and mortals come to blows, it never ends well for either party.
    • Minerva and Juno overheard this and spoke to each other
      • – Oh father Jove, it looks like Venus has been in a little love triangle and pricked her hand on the other girl’s brooch.
      • Jove – Venus, you’re really not cut out for this war thing. Leave it to Mars and Minerva
    • Meanwhile, Diomed tried to attack Aeneas and 3 times did Apollo repel him, finally barking at him – “Why don’t you fuck off?”
    • Apollo took Aeneas up to his place, Pergamus, to be seen by Latona and Diana
      • Apollo put together a dummy of Aeneas to send back to the Trojans to cheer them up
      • Apollo then spoke to Mars – Can you do something about Diomed? He’s ruining father’s plans.
    • Mars went down to the Trojans and spoke:
      • Let the Greeks get to the city walls and then Aeneas will help up repel them
    • The Trojans were encouraged but a Trojan gave Hector some lip for not showing up better in battle.
    • This pissed him off, of course
      • He hopped on a chariot and went on a war path. Mars helped him to slice Greeks down
      • Apollo put Aeneas back in the game and this heartened the Trojans
    • The bigger names of the Greeks carried on and lifted their men’s spirits
    • Agamemnon and Aeneas were successful in killing the other side’s soldiers
    • Menelaus was egged on by Mars to avenge those who had died – all while being covered by Antilochus
      • Aeneas saw them and slipped away
    • They killed a couple of big names of the Trojans – which caught Hector’s eye
      • Hector, Mars and Enyo go mental on the battlefield, pushing the Greeks back
    • Diomed saw this and said they had to retreat because they weren’t supposed to fight gods.
      • The Trojans pushed them back with some gods’ help
    • Some shit-talking occurred between Greek, Tlepolemus and Trojan, Sarpedon
      • T – Why are you here, you cowardly little numbnut? You won’t be any help to the Trojans passing through the gates of Hades
      • S – Your father (Hercules) was too weak to take Ilium by force because he was a con artist
      • Tlepolemus didn’t like that and threw a spear into Sarpedon’s throat, while Sarpedon threw a spear into his leg. Both were carried off.
      • Minerva got Ulysses’s mind off this and filled him with the urge to kill – 7 in a row
      • Sarpedon asked Hector to take him with him in the city walls to die in Troy. Hector ignored him and left.
      • The Trojans pushed the Greeks back to their ships.
      • Juno said to Minerva – We’ve got to do something about this
        • Minerva, Hebe and Juno rode on golden chariots and released all sorts of emotions on the field – Rout, panic, fear and strength.
      • They rode back to Olympus and saw Jove and spoke to him
        • – You must have seen what Mars has been up to. I’ve got to get rid of him.
        • Jove – Sure, send Minerva to do it
      • Juno went down to call the Greeks a bunch of wimps
      • Minerva went to see Diomed who was treating his wound from Pandarus
        • You’re not the man your father was. He was small but he was mean. You claim to be his son but I’ve seen nothing to prove that
      • Diomed answered back
        • I’m doing the best I can. I’m also following your instructions not to fight any gods and the battlefield is crawling with them
      • Minerva –
        • Don’t worry about them. The gods with the Trojans are asswipes. Have at it
        • Sthenelus, there’s no need to ride with Diomed, I’ll be joining him
      • They rode toward Mars & Mars threw a spear only to be blocked by Minerva.
      • Diomed threw a spear into Mars’s belly
      • Mars rode his chariot back to Olympus and complained to Jove about the mortals.
      • Jove – You can fight but you can’t be fought? You’re always fighting. The other gods are tired of your shit but I allow you to stay here on Olympus.
      • Hebe fixed up Mars
      • Juno and Minerva come back home.

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