The Iliad by Homer – Book 3

The Iliad by Homer – Book 3

  • It didn’t take too long for the Trojans to get ready.
  • The shitty weather shielded the Greeks from the Trojans’ view.
  • Alexandrus got all kitted out in a panther skin, bow, sword, 2 spears and full suit of armor
  • Hector chided him – Paris, (his nickname), this is all your fault. The Greeks would die laughing if they saw you like that. You are a coward and an idiot. You kidnapped a married woman and made your country defend you. Menelaus (Helen’s husband) will rip you limb from limb. We were already weak before this. Now, we’re fucked,
  • Alexandrus answered – You’re right but just back off. Remember all the gods have given me. If I must face Menelaus 1-on-1 to fight for Helen, let the better man win.
  • Hector smiled, checked on his troops and called out to Agamemnon
    • Agamemnon, Alexandrus has offered to have a 1-on-1 with Menelaus for Helen. That we don’t all have to get our hands dirty
    • Menelaus was game. He loved the idea of killing the kidnapper of his wife. He wanted King Priam to watch and swear by the results. He didn’t leave anything up to chance.
  • Everyone was glad to hear this so they didn’t have to fight. There was a ceremonial slaughter of two lambs
  • Goddess Iris went to Helen disguised as her sister-in-law while she was knitting. Iris told her to watch the warriors – Alexandrus and Menelaus were about to fight over her.
  • Helen was pulling for her old man and ran to watch.
  • King Priam of Troy came by to watch. He spoke to the other old men about the war and Helen. He was convinced that keeping her will only be bad news for Troy.
  • Priam spoke to Helen –
    • It’s not your fault, dear. The gods are the ones to blame for this. Who is the Greek leader?
    • Helen – I would’ve rather died than to be taken here.
    • Priam – He looks pretty mighty. Who’s that next to him?
    • Helen – That’s Ulysses from Ithaca – smart and cunning fucker.
    • Priam – I remember meeting him along with Menelaus. He didn’t have a whole lot to say. He only seemed to talk when he had a scepter on him.
    • Priam asked about another man –
    • Helen – That’s Ajax and with him is Idomeneus. I don’t see some of the others – Castor, Pollux
      • Castor and Pollux were her brothers – both dead.
    • They officially told Priam what was going on. He understood but he didn’t want to be there when it happened.
    • Alexandrus and Menelaus prepared themselves and began to fight.
    • Alexandrus swung first and hit Menelaus’s shield without damaging it. Menelaus thanked Jove for that and for some help
    • Menelaus jumped for Alexandrus and slashed through his chest plate but didn’t injure he as he had just turned away in time.
    • Menelaus grabbed the horse hair on Paris’s helmet and dragged him toward the Greeks.
      • The gods made the strap break and Paris ran back to his men. He threw the helmet away.
      • As Menelaus is about to pounce on Paris, Venus yanks him away to another room.
    • Venus called Helen up to a tower. She was disguised in woolen clothes. Venus told her that she and Paris are to be hidden in another house.
    • Helen got very angry: Why are you fucking with me? Why are you taking me further away from my home? Menelaus was kicking his ass fair and square until you stepped in. You’re not a goddess, you’re an evil woman. You can have Paris for yourself but not me.
    • This made Venus very angry – Shut up. I’m running the show here. If you think things are bad now, just you wait.
    • This scared Helen enough to shut up and sit still.
    • She went to her room and spoke to Paris –
      • So, you’ve managed to weasel your way out of that one. You’ve always claimed to be a better and stronger man than Menelaus but you’ve chicken out in a single combat. Your time will come.
      • Paris – Minerva helped Menelaus out. Any other time. I would have won. I’m doing all of this – the fighting, the war, etc. – for you out of love. Speaking of love, I’m getting a little turned on…
    • They lied down on the bed while Menelaus was turning the place upside down looking for Paris. Nothing
    • Agamemnon spoke – Greeks, Trojans… Menelaus obviously won. Paris has chickened out and forfeits the fight. Give Helen back, a bit of money for our trouble and we won’t burn your city to the ground.

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