U.S. Declaration of Independence (1776)

All right… Who farted?

Declaration of Independence (7/4/1776)

  • 13 colonies state that the Laws of Nature give them the ability to dissolve their union with the British government with a list of reasons to explain this.
  • It’s self-evident that all men are created equal.
  • They have unalienable rights given by nature or the Creator – life, liberty and pursuit of happiness.
  • A government must be consented to by those it governs and when it stops representing the people, they have a right to abolish it and put a better one that suits them.
  • This is not something you do on a whim but we feel like the government has been abusing us and we intend to establish our own government.
  • We’ve prepared a list of things that has pissed us off about the king:
    • He refuses to assent to or pass our laws for the public good.
    • He’s forbidden governors to pass our laws or just ignored them altogether.
    • He’s refused us to pass laws over here without relinquishing our right to any representation in Parliament.
    • He’s made it difficult for any legislature to convene just to get them to stop trying.
    • He’s dissolved Parliaments so many times that we’ve lost count.
    • After dissolving Parliament, he’s delayed any elections indefinitely leaving the people to take the law into their own hands making the country vulnerable from crime in the country and aggressive foreigners.
    • He’s prevented the naturalization of the non-British and prevented us from moving westward.
    • He’s blocked courts from working properly.
    • He’s made judges so nervous about their pay and safety that they can’t perform their duties anymore.
    • He’s created jobs for men just to eat us out of house and home through taxes.
    • He’s lodged soldiers with civilians in peace time.
    • The army has become completely independent and unanswerable to the people.
    • Soldiers have literally gotten away with murder.
    • We’ve been alienated from Parliament but are still subject to laws.
    • We’ve not allowed to trade with anyone but the British.
    • He’s imposed taxes on us against our will.
    • He’s deprived us of trial by jury.
    • When accused, we’re often carted off to England to be tried.
    • He’s applied an arbitrary government in Québec and we don’t know if you’ll do the same here.
    • He’s taken away colony charters and changed the nature of our governments against our will.
    • He’s suspended legislatures on a whim.
    • He’s declared us rebel and blocked our harbors – an act of war.
    • He’s used the army to wreak havoc in our lives.
    • He’s hired Germans to kill anyone labelled as a “rebel”.
    • He’s impressed unassuming men and forced them to fight them against their country.
    • He’s incited anti-American violence and invited Indians to wage war on us.
    • We’ve tried patch things up but he only punishes us more and we’ve decided we’ve had enough
  • We’ve warned the British not to ignore us and use its legislature as a weapon on us. We came here for a reason. We are the same people as the British and begged them for our rights and mercy and we’ve only gotten shit for it. We must break-off from them.
  • So, that’s it. We are a body of elected representatives appealing to God and reason that it is only right these 13 colonies claim complete independence and absolve ourselves of any loyalty to the crown.
  • We have the power to wage war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce and do what independent state states need to do.
  • We’re relying on the goodwill of God or fate to support this declaration and pledge to each other our lives, fortunes and sacred honor.

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