The New Testament: “The Gospel According to Saint Matthew” (Notes)

“Gospel According to Matthew”

For my next trick, I will turn this ordinary, everyday piece of bread into my own flesh. I will also take this ordinary, everyday glass of wine into my own blood. You will drink it and become flesh-eating zombies.
“For my next trick, I will turn this ordinary, everyday piece of bread into my own flesh. I will also take this ordinary, everyday glass of wine into my own blood. When I snap my fingers, you will drink it and become flesh-eating zombies.”

1

“The Genealogy of Jesus”

Abraham to David -> 14 generations
David to the Exile to Babylon -> 14 generations
Exile to Jesus -> 14 generations

42 generations between Abraham and Jesus.

“Joseph Accepts Jesus as His Son”

Mary and Joseph tied the knot but hadn’t yet done the deed. However, Mary was well and truly knocked up. Joseph didn’t want know at this point. He didn’t want cause a scene but he was convinced that Mary had been stepping around on him. He thought: “Maybe a quicky divorce?”

Then God haunts his dreams and told him “Yep, that was me. He’s gonna be called Jesus and make up for everybody’s sins.” This fulfilled some prophecy that God’s son would be born to a virgin.

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Joseph woke up and decided to stick around, since you don’t really say “no” to God. A few months later, Jesus was born.

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“The Magi Visit the Messiah”

Jesus was born in Bethlehem and King Herod was in charge of things. Three Magi show up in town looking for the ‘King of the Jews’. They followed a star to find him. Herod got wind of this and had the Magi brought round to his place and asked what this was all about.

They answered “The ruler of the Jews was born in Bethlehem”. Herod asked them to come back to him and let him know where he was once they’ve found him. They went back to following the star and they found him with Mary. They gave him three of the weirdest gifts you can give a baby: gold, frankincense and myrrh. They were wise to Herod’s request and ran off without letting him know where the baby was.

“The Escape to Egypt”

More God dreams for Joseph. This time it was a warning. “You’d better fuck off to Egypt quick like because Herod’s gonna start killing babies. Another prophecy fulfilled.

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Once Herod realized that the Magi gave him the slip, he ordered any boy under 2 years old to be killed.

“The Return to Nazareth”

Some time passed and Herod died. God showed up in another dream to Joseph. “It’s all right to go back. Herod’s croaked.” So, the Jesus family went back to Israel. Rather than going back to Bethlehem, they went to Nazareth in case Herod’s successor was feeling the same urge to kill Jesus. Another prophecy was fulfilled.
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3

“John the Baptist Prepares the Way”

John the Baptist was a guy living out in the weeds preaching. He fulfilled another prophecy.

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He wore really grimy clothes and ate honey-covered locusts. There were some people who came out to see him and confess their sins to him. He would then baptize them in the River Jordan.

The Pharisees and Sadducees (the baddies from here on out) came and talked to him and he didn’t take too kindly to that. After flinging a slew insults at them, he splashed them in hope that they would repent whatever bad shit they had been up to.

“The Baptism of Jesus”

Jesus showed up at John’s. “I need to get baptized.” John said, “No, no, no. You’re supposed to be doing me.” Jesus replied, “Well, do me first so we can get some of these prophecies so I can get started doing my thing”. John dunked him. The sky opened up – light, doves, etc. God said “let’s do this, Jesus.”

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“Jesus Is Tested in the Wilderness”

God led Jesus into the back of beyond to be tempted by the devil. The devil was fucking with Jesus. “If you are who you say you are, turn this rock into bread.” Jesus responded that the word of God was more important than bread. The devil took him up to the top of a temple and said “Fly, boy!” Jesus responded that God is not someone to be tested. The devil took Jesus to a mountain top and promised him everything he saw if he’d only worship him. Jesus said he only worshiped God. The devil left in a huff.

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“Jesus Begins to Preach”

When Jesus heard that John had been thrown in prison,  he went to Galilee. He decided that since it was in a prophecy that he was preacher, he decided to take his magical God act on the road.

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“Jesus Calls His First Disciples”

He walked up on two brothers, Simon(Peter) and Andrew who were fishing. “Put down that net and let’s fish for people.” They left with him. Then they met brothers James and John, also fishers. They left with them too.

“Jesus Heals the Sick”

They went around teaching God stuff. He began healing people with all sorts of gross stuff: pain, demons, seizures, paralysis. People showed up from all over the region to get treated by Jesus.
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5

“Sermon on the Mount”

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“Beatitudes”

Poor on earth -> rich in heaven
Mourning on earth -> comfort in heaven
Meek -> inherit the earth
Hungry/thirsty for righteousness -> filled
Merciful on earth -> get mercy
Pure in heart -> see God
Peacemakers -> children of God
Persecuted -> ticket to heaven
Sticking with Jesus -> ticket to heaven

“Salt and Light”

Believers are the salt of the earth. The ground needs salt or else it’s useless. Believers are the light of the earth. They need to be put up high for all to see.

“The Fulfillment of the Law”
“I’m not here to come up with new rules but to fulfill them. These laws are eternal so get used to them if you want to go to heaven. There’s no other way.

“Murder”

“If you murder, not only will you not go to heaven, you will go to hell. If you are in a position where murder might happen, make amends with those who are pissing you off. Do it before you have to get judged here on earth and later in the afterlife.

“Adultery”

“Don’t do it. Don’t think about it. Thinking about it is just as bad. Make your mind and heart pure. It ain’t worth it.

“Divorce”

“No divorces unless one of you has been playing away. Any unauthorized remarriage is adultery.

“Oaths”

“You’ve heard it said that you shouldn’t break an oath. Don’t even make one. Not to yourself, not to someone else, not to God. Just say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and that should be enough.

“Eye for Eye”

“‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth’ is bullshit. If someone slaps you, turn the other cheek. Don’t fight back when someone gets aggressive or thievy with you.

“Love for Enemies”

“The old expression ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy’ is bullshit, too. Make sure that you find a way to make up with your enemies so that you don’t have anymore. Nobody’s perfect.

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“Giving to the Needy”

“When you are ‘being righteous’ make sure you are doing so for God, not the attention of others. If you give to the needy, don’t broadcast that shit out to everyone. If you do that, you’re not really doing it to help the poor, you’re just doing it for the attention. God knows what you’re up to.

“Prayer”

“The same thing goes for prayer. It’s to be done privately, otherwise it doesn’t count. Prayer should be a quick and honest thing, like: ‘God, you’re the tits. I’ll do whatever you want. Thanks for the food and good shit in my life. Forgive me of all the shit I’ve done and I’ll do the same to anyone who’s done anything bad to me. Help me keep on the straight and narrow.’ That should be enough.

“Fasting”

“Again, same thing goes with fasting. You can’t be fasting for show. If it’s some holy thing you’re doing, keep that shit to yourself or else it doesn’t count.

“Treasures in Heaven”

“Stockpiling shit here on earth doesn’t do you any good. People can steal it. Moths can eat it. If you build up your soul into something great, nobody can take that from you. Also, God knows what you spend your time on. You can’t have two masters, so it’s either God or someone or something else. You know which is the right one.

“Do Not Worry”

“Don’t let the details in life get you down. Clothes, food, drink. The birds, grass and flowers don’t worry about that. They just do their thing. God will provide for you. Worrying will only make you miserable. Just devote yourself to God and he’ll take care of you on earth and in heaven.

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“Judging Others”

“Be careful not judge others because you will be judged in the same way. If you criticize someone, you’re going to get it in spades. Some of them will be even more vicious than you.

“Ask, Seek, Knock”

“Ask and you’ll get. Seek and you’ll find. Knock and the door will open. You are God’s children and a father will give to his children what they ask for if they’ve been good boys and girls.

“The Narrow and Wide Gates”

“The Gate to bad shit is wide and the gate to good shit is narrow. Careful.

“True and False Prophets”

“There’s a ton of false prophets out there – wolves in sheep’s clothing. You can tell them by what they say because what they say is against what I preach.

“True and False Disciples”

“Just because people use my name doesn’t mean they will get to heaven. If they’re full of shit, I’ll know and they will be barred from heaven.

“The Wise and Foolish Builders”

“There are two men building houses. The wise man, like those who listen to me, builds his house on a rock: a strong foundation. The dumbass, like those who don’t listen to me, builds his house on sand. Don’t be a dumbass.” </Sermon on the Mount>

Jesus won a lot of followers after this sermon.

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“Jesus Heals a Man With Leprosy”

Jesus healed a leper. “Shh! Don’t tell anybody! Just go to a priest and he’ll know what to do.”

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“The Faith of the Centurion”

Jesus got to Capernaum and a centurion came up to him asking him to heal his servant whom he left at home. Jesus asked if he wanted him to go to his house. The centurion was embarrassed of his place (probably because the malingering servants ‘has got paralysis’, the lying sack of shit) and asked if he could do it from a distance. Jesus was touched by this man’s belief that Jesus could be so powerful that he healed from afar. Boom, another miracle, this one long distance!

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“Jesus Heals Many”

Jesus went over to Peter’s house where his mother-in-law was in bed with a fever. He put his hand on her head and boom. Another miracle. A whole slew of people, some demon-possessed were healed by him. More miracles. More prophecies fulfilled.
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“The Cost of Following Jesus”

Jesus saw that he had attracted quite a following. One said he’d follow him anywhere as long as he could bury his dead father. “Careful, now because we just go wherever we please. We don’t stay in one place. You don’t even have time to bury your father.”

“Jesus Calms the Storm”

They got in a boat and it started rocking in the middle of the storm. Jesus was having a nap and his buddies woke him up because they were stupidly afraid of drowning. Jesus scolded them for not having enough faith. Another miracle! Jesus lifted his hand and everything calmed down.
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“Jesus Restores Two Demon-Possessed Men”

They got to the other side of the lake in the area of the Gadarenes. Two demon-possessed men came out to see them. He exorcised the demons into nearby pigs and the pigs ran into the lake and drowned. People who saw this went into town to tell everyone about this and they asked him to leave.

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9

“Jesus Forgives and Heals a Paralyzed Man”

Jesus got back into the boat and they went to his own town. People brought a paralyzed man out to see him. Jesus forgave him of his sins. Just as he said this, some holy rollers accused him of blaspheming. Jesus told them that he did have the authority to forgive the man of his sins which was easier than to say ‘Get up and walk’. So, he told the man to get up and go home and so the man did. That seemed to impress the crowd.

“The Calling of Matthew”

Jesus walked up to a guy in a tax collecting booth, named Matthew. He told him to follow him and so he did. Jesus came over to his place for dinner and the place was filled with tax collectors and sinners. Pharisees saw this and asked why such a holy man should eat with rough company like that. Jesus threw a bit of an analogy on them. “Healthy men don’t need doctors. Sick men do.”

“Jesus Questioned About Fasting”

John’s people asked why the Pharisees were fasting all the time but Jesus’s people didn’t. Jesus said that they were in the presence of the holy and they should be relishing in it, not mourning.

“Jesus Raises a Dead Girl and Heals a Sick Woman”

A synagogue leader told Jesus that his daughter had just died and asked him to revive her. As they were on the way to the synagogue, a woman who’d been bleeding for 12 years asked to touch the hem of Jesus’s cloak in order to be healed. Miracle done.
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The got to the leader’s house and it was surrounded by a much of mourners making a fuss outside. Jesus told them not to carry on so because the girl was sleeping and needed more sleep. He went in a brought the girl out alive. Miracle performed!
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“Jesus Heals the Blind and the Mute”

Jesus ran into two blind guys asking if he would cure them. They were no longer blind. Miracle!

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Then he ran into a demon-possessed mute. Jesus sorted out the demons and made him talk again. Two miracles for the price of one!

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Pharisees said that a man who could drive demons out must be the prince of all demons.

“The Workers Are Few”

Miracle after miracle all over the place. He called his journey around the area a harvest and he needed more workers to help in the harvest.

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10

“Jesus Sends Out the Twelve”

By this time, Jesus had accumulated 12 disciples: Simon (Peter), Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, James, Thaddaeus, Simon and Judas (the betrayer).

He sent them out. “Don’t go see Gentiles or Samaritans. Focus on the strays within Israel. Tell them the end of the world is coming. You can raise the dead, heal the sick, clean up lepers and sort out demons. Don’t take any money from them and don’t take any money with you. Stay with any friendly person who’ll put you up for the night. Leave town if no one will listen to you. I’m sending you out into danger because there are some real fuckers out there who will try to put you down, abuse you and even harm you. Don’t worry too much because God’s looking out for those who do his work. There are no secrets among those who are believers.  But remember, the real danger is losing one’s faith, which is way worse than death.

“I’m here to break up families. I’m not here to bring peace but a sword. If a man loves his mother more than me, he’s going to hell forever. If a man doesn’t follow me and do every little thing I ask of him, he’ll go to hell forever.

“If these people welcome you, they welcome me. They will receive a great reward for the hospitality they give you and me.”

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“Jesus and John the Baptist”

Jesus had sent out his peeps to do his dirty work. John the Baptist’s people went out on his behalf (because he was in jail) and asked Jesus if he was the one they had been expecting or if it was someone else.

Jesus came back at them: “Go tell him what I’ve been doing: healing the sick, giving senses to those who had lost them and raising the dead.”

Jesus gave a speech about John: “What did people go out into the wilderness to see? The reeds? Some guy in fancy clothes? You went out to see a prophet. There are a lot of fuckers out there talking about God and heaven but none of them fulfill prophecies like John and because he isn’t all happiness and cheer, they want to throw him in prison. Because I’m dining with sinners and tax collectors, I’m considered an asshole.

“Woe on Unrepentant Towns”

Jesus saw that some towns just wouldn’t repent as he asked them to. “Chorazin, Bethesda, Capernaum. You’re going to hell. If you thought what happened in Sodom and Gomorrah was bad, wait till you see what I’ve got in store for you.”

“The Father Revealed in the Son”

Jesus praise God because the wise and learned couldn’t see what a child could see. He claimed that you couldn’t know the father without knowing the son because that is how the father reveals himself. Jesus is going to take the burden off the shoulders of the weary.

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“Jesus Is Lord of the Sabbath”

Jesus and his disciples were wandering around. Some of his people got hungry and went to pick grain in the fields. Pharisees saw this and complained that this violate the laws of the Sabbath.

Jesus said that it was stupid to complain because David and his people did that and they didn’t catch and shit from it. Sabbath is supposed to be about mercy not following ridiculous rules.

He went to the synagogue and began to heal a man with a shriveled hand. Miracle!

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More shit from the Pharisees… “Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath?” Jesus told them that doing God’s work was more important than their silly rules. This annoyed the Pharisees and they began to plot his death

“God’s Chosen Servant”

Jesus understood what the Pharisees were planning. He warned others not tell about him when he healed the ill. This fulfilled a prophecy by Isaiah that a healer would be the chosen servant of God.

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“Jesus and Beelzebul”

Another demon-possessed man was carted out before Jesus. This time he was blind and mute. Pharisees told him what they thought of this, that only a demon could talk to other demons. Jesus lashed out at them, “It’s shit like this that is causing us Jews problems. Anyway, what the fuck do you know? I’m the son of God and this shit I’m doing is good. If you don’t like it, you can suck a lemon.”

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“The Sign of Jonah”

The Pharisees thought they’d get smart with him. “Can you give us a sign that you are who you say you are?” Jesus responded, “What a load of assholes you are. The only sign you’re going to get is the sign of Jonah. Three whole days in the belly of a big-ass fish. That’s all you get and that’s all you deserve.”

“Jesus’s Mother and Brothers”

Jesus was out talking to a crowd and guess who comes up. Mom and his brothers. Someone point this out to him and he said “Who’s my mother? Who are my brothers?” “They are.” Jesus said, “The only brothers are my disciples. Anybody who does the will of God is brother, sister and mother.”

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“The Parable of the Sower”

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Out come the parables. The sower put seeds in a few different places, a path, rocks, thorns and good soil. Only the good soil had any good result come harvest time. Do that with your people.

A disciple asked him, “What’s with the parables?” Jesus answered, “these numb nuts know nothing about God and heaven and so the only way they’re going to get it is by me telling them little stories like the sower.” This was another prophecy fulfilled.
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“The Parable of the Weeds”
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“If the weeds grow among the crops, don’t waste your time weeding them out. Make sure you treat all the plants the same. At the end of the harvest, we’ll pull everything and see what’s what. We’ll keep the good crop and burn all the weeds.”

“The Parables of the Mustard Seed and the Yeast”
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“Heaven is like a mustard seed. It’s the tiniest of seed but it grows to be the largest tree in all the garden.” Another prophecy fulfilled.
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“Heaven is like yeast mixed into dough. It’ll cause the dough to rise and rise way bigger than before.” Another prophecy fulfilled.
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“The Parable of the Weeds Explained”
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“Remember the weeds are those who have rejected heaven and God. They belong to the evil one. After the world ends they will burn in hell forever.”

“The Parables of the Hidden Treasure and the Pearl”
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“Heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field. If you find it there, sell all your shit and buy the field to get it.”
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“Heaven is like a pearl of great value. If you find it, sell all your shit to get it.”

“The Parable of the Net”
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“Heaven is like a net thrown out and catching a bunch of fish. At the end of the fishing, we keep the good fish and throw out the bad ones. The good ones go to heaven and the bad ones weep and gnash their teeth (whatever the fuck that means).”

“A Prophet Without Honor”

The parables ended and he left. When he got to his hometown, he went to the synagogue to teach them shit. Hardly anyone could believe that he was a local boy, the carpenter’s son, Mary’s boy, James, Joseph, Simon and Judas’s brother. Jesus was fucked off by their lack of faith and he left. Apparently prophets won’t be believed in their hometowns.

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“John the Baptist Beheaded”

Herod had John arrested and thrown into jail because John was saying that it was against the law for Herod to be with his brother’s wife. He wanted to kill him but was afraid of the flak he’d get from it because of John’s status as a prophet. Herod’s wife’s daughter danced for him and his guests at his birthday party. He promised her a gift for this and she said she wanted the John’s head on a platter. Boom. Done. John’s people buried what was left him and then told Jesus about it.

“Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand”

Jesus was upset by what happened to John and went off on his own for a bit. Crowds gathered, waiting for him to come back. When he did, he healed the sick. The disciples complained that they were far from the villages and nobody had any food. Jesus took 5 loaves of broad and 2 fish and made a feast for 5000 people. Miracle performed.

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“Jesus Walks on the Water”

Jesus needed some more me-time and sent his people on ahead of him in a boat. The people in the boat were spooked a bit when they saw a man walking out towards the boat in the middle of the lake. It was Jesus walking on the water. Peter jumped out of the boat and get scared for a bit and started to sink. Jesus shook his head at his lack of faith. Miracle! They got to Gennesaret and did some healing and some preaching. Miracle!
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“That Which Defiles”

Pharisees started bitching again about Jesus’s crew. They weren’t washing their hands before they ate. “For the 40 billionth time, God and I are like two peas in a pod. They are doing my will and aren’t doing any harm. What’s bad about a man is not what goes into his mouth, it’s what comes out of his mouth. If badness goes into a man’s mouth, he’ll just shit and piss it out. If badness comes out of his mouth, it comes from his heart.”

“The Faith of a Canaanite Woman”

They went up to Tyre and Sidon. A Canaanite woman came out asking help with her daughter possessed by a demon. She knelt in front of him begging for help. The woman showed him faith and the daughter was healed. Miracle!

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“Jesus Feeds the Four Thousand”

They got to another place without any food. Again, he took 7 loaves and a few fish and made enough for 4000 people. Miracle!

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“The Demand for a Sign”

Pharisees and Sadducees wanted a sign from heaven. “You guys know how to read the signs in the weather but you can’t read the signs of the times? You’re not gonna get one. Like I told those other fuckers, keep on asking and you’ll end up in the belly of a giant fish.”

“The Yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees”

When they were out on a boat, he told the boys, “Watch out for the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.” They mumbled something about not having anything to eat. “You idiots. Remember the thing with the bread and the fish? Don’t you think I can do it again? Like I said, the yeast thing wasn’t really about bread but warning you about the Pharisees and Sadducees.”

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“Peter Declares That Jesus Is the Messiah”

Jesus asked his guys who they thought the ‘Son of Man’ was. Some said John the Baptist, Elijah, Jeremiah, etc. Simon (Peter) said “You are the son of God, the Messiah.” Jesus liked this and said, “I’m gonna call you Peter from now on because you will be the rock of my church. You will hold the keys to the kingdom of heaven. But don’t tell anyone that I am the Messiah.”

“Jesus Predicts His Death”

“Not to be a downer guys but things are going to get shitty from here on out. A lot of these Pharisees and their ilk are going to have me killed. But I’ll rise from the dead 3 days later, so it’s all good. Don’t worry about that. Just follow me in whatever I do and I promise the next world’s going to be waaaaaay better than this one.”

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“The Transfiguration”

Jesus took Peter, James and John up to a mountain alone. His appearance changed in front of them. His face was like the sun and his clothes turn white like light. Then they saw Jesus talking with Moses and Elijah.

Peter said that he would knock together some place for the three of them to sleep. Suddenly, a bright cloud appeared and it spoke: “This is my son. He’s pretty good. Listen to him”. This caused the three disciples to drop to the ground. Jesus told them to get up. When they did, there was just Jesus there. They went down the mountain and Jesus told them to keep quiet about this. When asked about Elijah being the one coming first, Jesus told them that Elijah has come and gone. John the Baptist has been put to death. This is what people do. Ultra-Mega miracle!

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“Jesus Heals a Demon-Possessed Boy”

They went down to a crowd and saw the rest of the disciples trying to sort out a demon-possessed boy. Jesus was upset because the disciples had so little faith that they couldn’t even do a minor thing like ridding a boy of demons. Jesus finished the job. Miracle!

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“Jesus Predicts His Death a Second Time”

Jesus reminded his of his earlier prediction of his death and resurrection.

“The Temple Tax”

They got to Capernaum and a tax collector asks Peter for a 2 drachma a head entry fee for the temple there. Peter asked him about this. Jesus said, “Yeah sure. You are my children and I’m supposed to look after you guys. Go down to the lake and put out your line. The first thing you catch will have enough money in it to pay our entry.”
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“The Greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven”

Disciples asked who the greatest in the kingdom of heaven was. He called a small child toward him. “You’ve got to change and be little small children because the one who is the smallest in the world will be the greatest in heaven.”

“Causing to Stumble”

If anyone causes those who believe in me to stumble will have a large millstone hung about his neck and dropped into the deepest part of the sea. Bad shit comes to those who fuck with me and people. You’d better look out!”

“The Parable of the Wandering Sheep”

“Our job is as shepherds. If we’ve got 100 sheep on our land, most of them will stay in the flock. But a few of them will stray. It’s more important to us to chase after those who have strayed than the ones who have stayed with us.

“Dealing With Sin in the Church”

“If your brother or sister has sinned against you, try to work it out with them. If they listen, you both win. If they don’t, try to get some help in getting them to listen. If they still don’t, get the church involved. If they still don’t, then just treat them as some foreigner. What goes here on earth is what goes up in heaven. Wherever there are people who are gathering in my name, I’m there too.”

“The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant”
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In response to a question of how many times someone should forgive his brother sinning against him:

“There was a king who had a servant who owed him a shit load of money. The time came to pay it up and the servant couldn’t. He begged for patience. The king was touched by this and forgave him of all his debts. The servant went home and saw one of his fellow servants who owed him money and the creditor refused any patience or forgiveness. The master had him tortured because he didn’t pass on the kindness. That’s a lot like God wants you to do.”

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“Divorce”

Pharisees decided to test him on something. “Is it against the law for a man to divorce his wife?” Jesus responded, “When a man and woman get married, the two become one under the eyes of God. You can’t separate them. The only way this bond can be broken is as a result of sexual immorality.”

“The Little Children and Jesus”

Jesus wanted kids to get involved and have them allowed to pray. Kids can get into heaven too.

“The Rich and the Kingdom of God”

He was asked about what it takes to get eternal life. “You’ve got to stick to the commandments. If you’re already doing that, sell all your shit and take care of the needy. It’s harder for a rich man to get into heaven than a camel to enter the eye of a needle. You can only be saved by God.”

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“The Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard”
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A vineyard owner hires a couple of guys to help out on the farm. He sees that he doesn’t have enough and so he finds some more later in the day. Still not enough, he gets some more. At the end of the day the ones who showed up at the beginning get paid the same as the ones who show up later in the say. The early ones get pissed off that they get paid the same for different amounts. The owner says, “That was the deal. I can pay whomever whatever I want.” Jesus makes the link to his followers. Whether you get in with me early or you’re a late-comer, you’re all good with me. The last shall be the first and the first shall be the last.”

“Jesus Predicts His Death a Third Time”

Jesus predicted his death for a third time, as well as the resurrection.

“A Mother’s Request”

A mother approached Jesus and asked him to take her two sons with him to heaven as his right- and left- hand men. “Sure.” The disciples were thinking, “What the fuck?!? We were here first helping you with all your conversions and miracles.” Remember the story about the workers in the vineyard, fuckheads. I’m here to help everyone equally.

“Two Blind Men Receive Sight”

As they were leaving Jericho, two blind men asked Jesus to heal them. He touched them on their eyes and boom. A Miracle!

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“Jesus Comes to Jerusalem as King”

They were approaching Jerusalem and got to Bethany. He asked two disciples to go get a donkey there with its colt and bring them and if anybody asked, say something about fulfilling a prophecy. They came back and he sat on top of the donkey and rode into town where people praised him as the son of God.
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“Jesus at the Temple”

He showed up at the temple courts and freaked the fuck out. He overturned tables of money changers, saying it was a place of worship, not a den of robbers. Blind and lame people showed up at the temple and he healed them. Miracle!

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Children were singing his praises high, from the lips of children to God’s ears. He crashed in Bethany.

“Jesus Curses a Fig Tree”

Jesus got up the next and was heading back into town. He saw a fig tree, saw there was no fruit on it and cursed at it “Fucking fig tree. I hope you never have fruit again.” It withered right away.
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“How did it wither so quickly, Jesus?” his disciples asked. “You really are a bunch assholes. I’m God’s son. If I want something done, it gets done. If you want something, you ask me and it gets done.”

“The Authority of Jesus Questioned”

Jesus entered the courts of the temple and elders asked him who gave him the authority to do what he was doing. “John’s Baptism? Who gave that authority?”, he answered. “Jesus, you’re trying to trick us. If we say ‘heaven’, you’ll ask why we didn’t believe him. If we say ‘man’, then we should be afraid of the people because they all believed him. So, we don’t know.” Jesus answered, “Well, if you don’t know, then you won’t know whose authority I’m working under.”

“The Parable of the Two Sons”
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“A guy’s got 2 sons. He asked one to go work in the vineyard. ‘Bullshit, dad.’ But he changed his mind and went. He went to the second one and he agreed right away. Which of the 2 did what his father wanted?” Disciples answered. “The first”.  Jesus said, “Holy fuck, you people are stupid. Tax collectors and whores are better than you. At least they bought into what John the Baptist was saying by realizing they were sinners and repented.”

“The Parable of the Tenants”
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“A landowner planted a vineyard, put up walls, made a press and a watchtower. He rented it out and moved away. His servants brought in the tenants to harvest the grapes. The tenants killed the servants. The owner then sent his son because he thought he would be respected. They killed his son because they thought they’d get his inheritance. Then they started to worry about what the owner would do.” He asked the disciples what he would do. “Kill them and find nicer tenants.” they said. Jesus said, that’s right. The builders reject what’s become the cornerstone and it’s only right. If you don’t treat God right, kill his only son and his servants, you’ll find yourself no longer living on the land. I’m talking to you, Pharisees.”

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“The Parable of the Wedding Banquet”
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“Heaven is like a wedding banquet that a king gives his son. The servants are invited but refuse to come. He told other servants to tell everyone to come because all the food is prepared. But nobody paid any notice of it. Some invitees killed his messengers and this pissed the king off. He sent an army to kill the messengers’ murderers. He told his servants that the banquet was ready but the invitees don’t deserve to come, so just invite any old fucker down the corner of the street, good, bad, whatever. The banquet hall was filled with guests. He saw a man at the banquet not wearing wedding clothes and asked him how he got in. No answer. The king had the man thrown out in the darkness. Many are invited, few are chosen.”

“Paying the Imperial Tax to Caesar”

The Pharisees tried to stitch Jesus up. They dressed incognito asking, “We know that you say God’s the only way to the truth. You aren’t swayed by others. Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not?”

Jesus saw right through that. “No you don’t assholes. I’m on to you. Let’s see your coin. It’s a denarius with Caesar’s face on it. Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s and give to God what is his.” They left after this.

“Marriage at the Resurrection”
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Sadducees, who don’t believe in resurrection, asked him something: “Moses said that if a man died without children, his brother must marry his widow and raise children. There were 7 among us. The first one died without children, as did the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th. Then the 7-time widow died. At the resurrection, whose wife will she be?”

Jesus said, “You’ve got it all right. The resurrection will happen in heaven and there won’t be a wedding. But of the resurrection of the dead, God is the God of the dead but of the living”.

“The Greatest Commandment”

Someone among the Pharisees, “Yo, Jesus, what’s the greatest commandment?” Jesus answer, “Yo, love God with everything you’ve got. Secondly, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself'”

“Whose Son Is the Messiah?”

The Pharisees had a powwow and he asked them whose son he thought the Messiah is. They answered, the son of David. He said, “How is that David refers to the spirit as ‘Lord’ when talking to it. How could a son refer to his father as ‘Lord’?” No answer.

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“A Warning Against Hypocrisy”
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He coached his disciples about who to deal with the Pharisees. “You’ve got to be careful around these fuckers. They don’t do what they preach. They pack on everyone but don’t help them along the way. It’s all about show with them. The ceremony, the words, the banquets, love of all the respect they get in the community. Don’t call them ‘Rabbi’. You only have one teacher and that is me. Everybody else is your brother. Don’t call anybody ‘Father’ because you’ve only got one in heaven. Don’t call anyone ‘Instructor’ because you’ve only got one instructor, the Messiah. Those who big themselves up will be brought down. Those who remain humble will be bigged up in heaven.

“Seven Woes on the Teachers of the Law and the Pharisees”

“Woe 1: You are hypocrites trying to keep people out of heaven. You are assholes.

Woe 2: You travel all over the place to convert one person and when that works you make them hell children.

Woe 3: To you, swearing by the temple means nothing but swearing by the gold in the temple is everything. Is gold more important than what the temple means? What’s more important the gift or the giving of the gift?

Woe 4: Sacrificing 10% of spices is important but justice, mercy, faithfulness don’t mean shit to you.

Woe 5: Your cups are full of greed and self-indulgence. But you only wash the outside of the cup and not the most important part, the inside.

Woe 6: You are whitewashed tombs. Nice on the outside but dead and unclean on the inside. You appear holy but you are wicked inside.

Woe 7: You build tombs for prophets and decorate the holy’s graves. You claim to revere prophets and here you are, busting my balls.

Anybody who follows the Pharisees is completely fucked. They teach the wrong things, they make my life shitty and they completely misrepresent what the religion is all about. You can change at any time if you want, but you probably won’t”

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“The Destruction of the Temple and Signs of the End Times”
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Jesus, in his anger claimed “one day this temple will be nothing but a pile of dust.” They went up to the Mount of Olives to hang out and Jesus predicted the ‘end times’. Jesus gave them a list few signs when it happens.

“Watch out for fuckers coming around saying that they speak for me. There’s going to be a lot of ‘Messiahs’. There are going to be a lot of rumors of wars. Keep your cool. These things happen but it’s not the end. Nations will fight each other. There will be famines and earthquakes. You guys who follow me are going to be hounded to hell and back but don’t let that bother you. There’s going to be a lot of hate, false prophets, evil and just generally shittiness. Just pull through it all. When the shit really hits the fan, you can see me in the clouds. When all the world is falling apart around you, you still have my words to keep you going.”

“The Day and Hour Unknown”

“When and how this will happen, only God knows. Even I don’t know. God keeps his cards close to his chest. Since you guys don’t know when this all will go down, you’ve got to be ready for anything. Don’t be caught doing shittiness because you don’t know when the end will come.”

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“The Parable of the Ten Virgins”
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“Heaven will be like 10 virgins going out to meet a groom with their lamps. 5 were stupid, 5 were smart. The idiots didn’t put out in their lamps. The smart ones brought extra oil with them. The groom was taking a long time and everybody started falling asleep. Up he comes and the stupid ones saw they ran out of oil and asked the smarties for some. Nothing doing, so they went to buy some. While they were gone, the smart ones went to the banquet and locked the doors. Be prepared for shit like that.”

“The Parable of the Bags of Gold”
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“There was a fella going on a trip and he asked servants to keep bags of gold for him. One got 5 bags, one got 2 bags and one got 1 bag, according to their ability. The 5 bag man, took the money and made 5 off of it. The 2 bag man made 2 bags off of it. The 1 bag man buried it. The master came back and each showed him what they had done. He was happy with the 5 bag guy and the 2 bag guy. He didn’t like that the 1 bag guy just buried it . ‘You lazy dick. You didn’t make me any extra money.’ And he threw the guy out in the dark.”

“The Sheep and the Goats”

“When I get up to heaven and sit on my throne, I will separate the goodies from the baddies like separating the sheep from the goats. Sheep on the right. Goats on the left. The sheep get to go to heave because they were the ones who helped me whenever I wanted it. If it wasn’t me, it was someone in need. If you help them, then you’re helping me. Those who didn’t help me, you all will go to hell to burn forever.”

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“The Plot Against Jesus”

Jesus: “All right, boys. Passover is 2 days from now and soon one of you fuckers is going to stitch me up.” The chief priests didn’t want this to go on during a religious festival so they decided to wait a bit.

“Jesus Anointed at Bethany”

Jesus went to Bethany to Simon the Leper’s house. A woman brought out a jar of perfume and dumped it on his head. The disciples wondered why she would waste it. It could have been sold and the money could have helped the poor.

Jesus said: “Leave her alone, she’s nice to me. You’ll always have the poor but I won’t be around for much longer. This is in preparation for my burial. Tell everybody what a nice thing she’d done”.

“Judas Agrees to Betray Jesus”

Judas Iscariot went to one of the priests and asked them “What’s it worth to you to hand over Jesus?” They gave him 30 pieces of silver. Then he waited for the ideal time to do it.

“The Last Supper”

Jesus told his disciples to go to ‘a certain’ man’s house to set up a Passover meal. Everything was setting up and Jesus told them that one of them would be betray him. They all were amazed. Jesus said, “the one who does this is a real fucker.

“Anyway, take this bread and eat it. This is my body. Take this wine and drink it. This is my blood. Doing this over and over again is the only way to get into heaven.”
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“Jesus Predicts Peter’s Denial”

Jesus said “Tonight, one of you shit stains is going to deny me.” Peter said he would never do that. Jesus: “Before the rooster crows 3 times tomorrow, you will disown me 3 times.” Everybody swore they wouldn’t.

“Gethsemane”

Jesus told his crew to hang out a bit while he went and prayed. He took Peter and the Zebedee boys with him and told them that he was feeling really shitty and they would help keep his spirits up. He moved over a bit and  prayed aloud. He prayed three times about a cup being filled. Between each one he checked in with the three amigos. After the last one, they were asleep. “Up and at ’em, you fuckers. Here comes trouble.”

“Jesus Arrested”

Judas approached him and kissed him. This was the agreed upon signal to identify Jesus. Three guys with swords and clubs grabbed him and arrested him. One of Jesus’s boys took a sword and cut off one of the guards ears. Jesus: “Be cool. If you live by the sword, you’ll die by the sword. There are 12 of you to do what I want. Everything’s fine.”

He addressed the crowd, “Why now are you having me arrested? Is what I’ve been doing so bad?” Then everybody cleared away.

“Jesus Before the Sanhedrin”

The guards brought him to Caiaphas, the high priest, and teachers and elders were there too. They all tried to find a way to put him to death. They called in false witnesses. One guy said that Jesus said he was able to destroy the Temple of God and rebuild it in 3 days. Jesus didn’t respond. The high priest got all uppity and told him, “If you are the Messiah, just say so.”

Jesus said: “You said so. I’m just the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Big Cheese.” That was blasphemy and it was enough to put him to death. People started spitting on him and punching. Some even slapped him.

“Peter Disowns Jesus”

Peter was in the courtyard and a girl asked him if he was with Jesus. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” More people said that he was with him and Peter said “I have no idea who that is.” Your accent is similar to Jesus’s. “Aii dooon’t kah-noooo hooo theees Yeezoos eees.” Then a rooster crowed three times. Peter left and started crying.

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“Judas Hangs Himself”

The priests brought out Jesus to Pilate, the governor. Judas saw the Jesus was going to be killed. He gave back the 30 pieces of silver and asked the priests for forgiveness. They didn’t really give a shit. He left and hanged himself. The priests were annoyed because they couldn’t take the blood money back. They threw it out in the Potter’s field and it later was named the Field of Blood. Prophecy fulfilled.
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“Jesus Before Pilate”

Pilate asked if he was the king of the Jews. “That’s what you say.” He was accused by the priests and he had nothing to say back. Pilate offered to talk to him about the testimony and Jesus wouldn’t say anything.

Pilate wanted to offer the crowd at the festival a token of peace by releasing a man named ‘Jesus’. There was another prisoner name Jesus Barabbas. Pilate asked if he was the one the crowd thought was the Messiah, or him.

The priests and elder convinced the crowd to push for Jesus Barabbas, not THE Jesus. They convinced the crowd to ask for the Messiah’s crucifixion. Pilate was turned off by the crowd and washed his hands in front of them, saying the Messiah’s crucifixion is their call, not his. The crowd told him Jesus’s blood is on them and their children. Jesus was whipped and sent to be crucified.

“The Soldiers Mock Jesus”

The soldiers took Jesus into the Praetorium (head soldier’s office). They took off his clothes and put a red robe on him. They put a crown of thorns and gave him a staff and laughingly knelt and said “Hail the king of the Jews.” Then they spit on him and beat him with the staff. They led him to be crucified.

“The Crucifixion of Jesus”

They met a Cyrene man named Jesus and made him carry the cross. They got to Golgotha and offered Jesus with wine but it was spike with bile and Jesus spit it out. They popped him up and ripped his clothes off. Over his head they made a sign saying “This is Jesus, king of the Jews”.

“The Death of Jesus”

They left him up there all day and night. The next day, he screamed up “Why have you forsaken me, God?” People watching were being a bit shitty mocking giving him vinegar to drink and wondering whether Elijah was going to come and save him. He cried out again and got really depressed.

At the same time, temple curtains tore and the earth began to shake. Tombs opened up and long-dead holy people awoke. The centurion guarding him was frightened and converted on the spot. Mary Magdalene, Mary and the mother of the Zebedee boys were all watching.

“The Burial of Jesus”

That night, a rich man from Arimathea, named Joseph, asked Pilate for Jesus’s body. Pilate said, “Sure, whatever.” He buried Jesus in a linen cloth and put him in a cave dug out in a rock. He put a giant stone at the entrance of the cave and left. Mary and Mary Magdelene sat watching the tomb.

“The Guard at the Tomb”

The next day, the priests and elders went to Pilate asking to secure the tomb because they remembered that Jesus predicted that he would rise after 3 days. They wanted to put a guard on the tomb so that Jesus’s people couldn’t pull any bullshit and start claiming that Jesus had risen from the dead. Pilate allowed it.

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“Jesus Has Risen”

After the Sabbath, there was an earthquake. Mary and Mary Magdelene went to check out the tomb. The earthquake was caused by an angel coming down from heaven. He was dressed in white and the guards began to freak out at the sight of this. The angel told the ladies, “Chill out. Jesus isn’t here anymore. He’s alive and gone on ahead in Galilee. Go on ahead and see him.”

The women ran to tell all the disciples. All of a sudden Jesus pops up and asked everybody to go back to Galilee.
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“The Guards’ Report”

The guards went back to the city and reported to the priests. The priests paid them to lie and say that his people stole him while the guards were sleeping.

“The Great Commission”

The 11 remaining disciples went to Galilee to the mountain were he told them to go. “All right, you fuckers. Everything I said was true. Now you’ve got to go out to everybody everywhere baptizing people and teaching them what to do. I’ll always be around.”

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P.S. Bonus clip from Monty Python’s “The Life of Brian”

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